'Definitional ceremonies provide opportunities for being seen and in one's own terms, garnering witnesses to one's own worth, vitality, and being'.

(Kaminsky & Myerhoff ,1992)

A common experience in our culture and one of our greatest fears as humans is that of rejection, that of invalidation and isolation. This fear could be said to have a deep biological and evolutionary root resting in our fundamental communal nature, as for countless generations the core of our survival rested at the heart of our interconnection with our community, for physical emotional and spiritual security, meaning and purpose.

This sense of isolation and disconnection, of being alone in a sea of nameless faces is an all to frequent experience for many of us, and one that reaches into the heart of much of the pain that enters our lives...the sense that we are fundamentally alone and deeply isolated is a phenomena that is supported and intensified by so much of that which surrounds us; the fundamental individualism of our corporate capitalist and materialist culture, one that values competition and success at others expense, and bombards us through every avenue with advertising and messages that play to our limited ego, our fears of inadequacy, our need for security and a sense inclusion and connection.

The Irony is that that in our attempt to reach out into our present world, the more we expose ourselves to the above mentioned messages and the greater our fear becomes. The greater our sense of isolation and separateness and the more we strive for the things we are told will bring us a sense of safety and security. Hence the more we buy into the narratives that we are offered by our culture, the more we will start to value the trinkets of a corporate machine gone mad, the new car, the large bank account, another pair of shoes, the supplements, protein powder and designer Coffee. All of which in the end do not fill this well of isolation and loneliness, but rather evoke a sense of emptiness in the realization that at there core the 'solutions' offered us are entirely devoid of that which we truly need; to be deeply held by those around us, to be accepted, valued and loved as we are, to be part of communities that build bridges that facilitate our escape from the existential threat of separateness.

Some existential philosophers would argue that this threat of separateness, and the idea that we are fundamentally alone is something essential to being human and as such must be faced and come to terms with. This is an idea that to some extent seems to hold validity. However it is a position that only seems to privilege one particular aspect of our experience and one that is supported by the context in which these philosophical ideas emerged, late 19th and early 20th century Europe. As such it could then be argued that this idea that we are fundamentally alone is not a truth but is rather a conclusion that emerges as a result of the social, economic & political environment ideology of the time.(Flynn, 2006) Hence one could argue that we are not 'fundamentally' alone as some existential philosophers might argue, but rather we are only alone when we are driven apart by forces that are counter to our nature.

Every week as I sit with Clients in Therapy I have the privilege of being witness to the healing that comes from deep connection, from opening and entering into another experience not with the intention of fixing or changing something but of being with that person in that moment, of some how sharing, attuning to and feeling with them, and in these moments there is no isolation any more, there are moments of what I would argue is something fundamental to our nature. Interestingly these ideas are to some extent supported by a growing body of literature in the area of Trauma and Trauma Recovery that is alluding to the idea that one of the primary factors in an individuals recovery from a traumatic event is the sense of connection and inclusion with others they experience following the traumatic experience. (Aldrich, 2012) Hence what this could mean is that we are more likely to develop Post traumatic responses and have related and ongoing psychological and physiological difficulties if we feel that we are alone in our experience. There is it seems something about being held, nurtured, connected with in our greatest time of need, hurt and isolation that is healing in a profound way. Hence it is not simply the traumatic experience itself, but the sense that we are alone with these experiences that is fundamental to our resilience and ongoing capacity to cope with challenges in our life.

So it seems that in many ways attuned human relationships whether on an individual or group basis form bridges that allow freedom from our individual isolation , and in crossing these bridges healing from the pathology of rampant individualism can be sort. It is not that we must always rely on others for our security and safety, however it is in these relationships that our ability to carry within us a sense of security and safety is developed, it is in these relationships that we develop ways of perceiving, relating to and valuing our Self that can allow a glimpse of our divine potential, and fundamental worth.

In much postmodern thought this sense of 'Self' is seen as something that is fundamentally relational. It is through our relationships with others that this sense of who and what we are is developed. Foucault explored this referring to the idea of 'technologies of the Self.'(Bertrando, 2008) Put simply this is the idea that differing discourse and interaction, the nature of the narratives and stories we are told by our significant others, our culture, community and the world at large will lead to differing constructs of the self, that our sense of identity is fluid and deeply influenced by those that we are surrounded by, we often see and value ourselves based on what is reflected back to us.

In many traditional communities and Cultures, one of the ways in which this sense of self was formed was through intentional ceremonial Acts. The Anthropologist Barabara Myerhoff referred to these events as Definitional ceremonies, in which a community would, often through ritual and story telling support the development of an individuals sense of self in way's that valued the person, their contribution and role in the larger community and support the sense of unity between members. One might think that these type of ceremonies have been lost from our culture and in many ways they have, however there exist some approaches to psychotherapy and healing that still rely on the power of collective relationship and storytelling to transform identities and I wonder if there are other ways of bringing these practices into our lives outside of the therapeutic arena to provide collective experience to others that are as stated by Michael White:

'in contrast to many of the common rituals of modern culture that are judging of and ‘degrading’ of lives.’

(White, 2005)

Returning to the quote from Barabra Myerhoff at the beginning of this post, I wonder in what ways we could begin to offer experiences in our relationships, with our families, friends and broader communities, which provide opportunities:

'for others to be seen, on their own terms and allow the garnering of witnesses to their worth, vitality, and being.'

How can we be involved in a world where we make this effort for others, because this I would argue is one way of beginning to build a bridge to a better world.

References

Aldrich, D.P.,(2012) Building resilience: Social Capital in Post- Disaster Recovery

Bertrando, P.,(2008) The Dialogical Therapist (Systemic thinking and practice series)

Flynn, T.,(2006) Existentialism: A very short Introduction

Kaminsky, M. & Myerhoff, B(1992) Remembered Lives: The Work of Ritual, Story telling and Growing older.

White, M.,(2005) Workshop Notes. Dulwich Centre.